srsly

the other night i got paged at 1:30am by a guy who’s team was working with my company in updating a software installation. this guy paged to tell me shit was broke. well duh, we’re doing an update, why weren’t you notified? then he gets a call, “hold on, another call coming.” so i wait. turns out it’s my boss on the other end telling him what’s going on.

right hand, meet left hand. you guys should talk about coordination.

so i go back to sleep, and for some reason i feel like i’m laying there for an hour just musing about things in my head (later i realize that i had actually fallen asleep because i wouldn’t have been so rested laying awake until a quarter to 3). i dreamed i was laying awake thinking about having kids. the thought i had in my dream was that i was at work with my two daughters talking with my co-workers. i suppose this isn’t too odd, but in my dream the thought made me happy. genuiunely happy. and i thought to myself lying awake (in the dream) that eventually this is what i want, and slowly but surely i’m getting there. then i wake up and realize that i haven’t been awake, but dreaming, and the content feeling is still there. remember that i’m laying underneath a down comforter, it’s hard not to feel content under one of those, but still.
lately i’ve been having a lot of thoughts about The Future(tm) and what i want to happen. i realize that i’m pretty ok with the way things are going. things ARE going my way despite what it seems like with the student loans, car payment, tight budget. this is life. this is what you do. this is what you’re supposed to do. i was talking with tessa the other day about this stuff and how i think i might actually be happy with what i’ve got right now. thinking that things are going well with kat and the like. i seem to do that a lot to tessa apparently. and no i’m not thinking about getting married or having kids any time soon. that’s years off. i need a sugarmomma and less debt first. but i think i’ve found that turning point where things just sort of fall into place. whatever kind of jagged and misshaped place it may look like now, i just have this feeling that once a few more pieces fall, it’s going to look less like a chaotic mess hanging on by a thread and more like a coherent undertaking in harnessing that chaos.